The Princess Mermaid

Once upon a time in a land far far away lived a lonely shark, he constantly traveled across oceans in search of new reefs, good food, luxurious sunsets and new experiences. One day on a trip not too far from his home he met a beautiful mermaid princess whose smile and eyes told of so much more.  

At first she wanted his attention and told him this over and over but the shark’s life was filled with work and his selfish adventures and he could not be bothered. At long last the shark gave in and shared an adventure with the mermaid princess and the tables were turned.

The shark was confused, didn't know what to think, this mermaid princess had lit a fire in his cold heart just by being herself. She showed him how smart she is, how adventurous, how she embraced the same greatness of the world that he loved so much. And she felt so good cuddled so close in his fins.

The mermaid princess wasn't sure of what she wanted anymore; the shark was a lot to manage and could sometimes be fierce; he was a shark after all. So she came and went from his life like the tides of the ocean they both lived in. The shark remained steadfast in his admiration of the mermaid princess and was sure one day her tide would come in and stay.

There were differences, but only superficial ones and together they found a mutual love and affection for each other, celebrated a lot, traveled the oceans experiencing all of the greatness the planet had to offer and lived happily ever after. 

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Once upon a time in a place far far away there was a beautiful mermaid princess with a broken heart. At first she was crushed, all she wanted was to settle down and grow closer with the conniving barracuda she was with. In a short time she realized there were many exciting schools of fish that flowed freely with the current of the sea and drifted from one epic ocean party to the next.

Life was fast, fun and exciting; she met all types of new marine life: octopi, salmon, sea lions, dolphins, seals, cod, angel fish, puffer fish, prawns, lobsters, sharks, eels and A LOT of invertebrates. The princess mermaid was so caught up in the ocean party that occasionally she lost the particular school she was drifting with and had a run in with a friendly orca that would gallantly guide her back to her sanctuary in the pretty blue ocean.

The princess mermaid was learning to forget the past and keep pushing forward, it was very hard and sometimes she would see the old barracuda she was with and feel like every step she had taken forward was worth none of the effort she had made. But she had angel fish she could lean on in her sanctuary and even a cold hearted shark that had made great effort to know her and would do almost anything to see her happy.

Despite the dangerous reputation mermaids had the cold hearted shark he had taken aim for her princess mermaid’s heart. He found her interesting, intoxicating even and could see her truth when he stared into her eyes. The princess mermaid was busy, her heart still hurt, everyone wanted her and she didn't know how to be with the shark because she had no time. 

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Even in the pretty blue ocean there were sometimes great storms, the earth would shift creating giant swell changing the currents and the tides would surge displacing some of the creatures of the sea. One particular day the shark was caught in one of these rare surges, a tidal wave, that took him on a short brutal ride, smashing him over sharp rocks and leaving him unconscious on the beach to die.

The shark awoke on the sand and could not breathe the damp air through his gills, there was no one there to help but he could see the ocean and knew he needed to get back. He screamed for the mermaid in the bleakness of the morning, she was so far away last time he had seen her and knew she would not help and that left him filled with hate and anger.

The shark chomped at the thick air as if he could grab it and drag himself back to the ocean he so desperately needed, he flipped and tried frantically to get back to the ocean but made very little headway. Again he called for the mermaid princess this time really lashing out against her, struggling for his life thinking it would be better to die alone knowing she was gone forever than wondering if she loved him or if she loved him not.

Eventually the tide started to move in and through sheer will the shark made it back into the water and could finally breathe again. In time he found some easy prey and started to recover from the enormous trauma of the tsunami. To his horror he realized the mermaid princess was gone for good but had not left his heart and wished more than anything he had given her more time and not lashed out as a shift in the earth had caused his extreme distress, not her.

The shark swam alone through the ocean, his mind rolling in despair; he had been severely beaten by the tidal wave and chased away the beautiful mermaid princess he was so fond of. Something had to change, he needed to take steps forward, he needed to reach out to her, she needed to know. And in that moment he got an idea, it was only an idea, but one that would take great courage and more humility than he had ever mustered in his life.

He found a humpback friend and asked him to use his high frequency whale song to send his message thousands of miles across the ocean hoping the mermaid princess would listen to his pitiful but sincere apology. The humpback warned him that all the creatures in the ocean would hear his song and know how horribly the shark had acted, the shark was humiliated but his admiration for the mermaid princess was stronger than is ego.

The whale went to the surface took a giant breath and returned to the shark and started to sing his beautiful whale song. The song traveled far and wide and in a short time reached the mermaid princess, but she was furious and rightfully so. And wondered how could the shark be so horrible and expect her to ever speak with him again, deep down she also knew that his apology was unwavering and whole hearted. 

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In the great ocean the lonely shark was just a beginner, he had taken some lumps from the movement of the planet and knew he had to learn fast or be finned by the old creatures that had owned the vastness of the sea for eternity.  The shark was smart though; he knew his personal values and would act with a fiery passion and a lucid determination that gave him many advantages.

The princess mermaid had turned in a tailspin of self-destruction, acting foolishly, without intent, embarrassing and disrespecting herself. She knew she needed to end the vicious cycle but couldn't stop herself from just one more time. This made the shark very upset; he cared for the princess mermaid and really didn't like how she would try and sell him her time or her conspicuous attempts to manipulate him into doing things for her.

The shark knew that deep down the princess mermaid was better than this but more importantly knew that for now he had to let her go. As much as he cared for her, as much friendship and chemistry as they had together, as she acted now, she would drive him into a frenzy that would take away from his life, not contribute to it. More than anything he hoped the princess mermaid would end her destructive path, restore integrity to her life and swim with him again, but that was a decision only she could make.

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Was it the end or was it the beginning? Nobody ever really knows. The pretty blue ocean is a big place, there’s a lot of good and a lot of bad and for the most part we are able to make choices that best represent our needs and desires. Sometimes we get caught in currents that take us places we don’t want to go and hopefully along the way learn how to make better decisions so it doesn't happen again. 

The Sugar Mama - Adventure in the Big Wild of Whistler

A True Story by WesPresso


It was the middle of summer 1999 and we had just spent all day at the beach guzzling beers and smoking some good reefer in the sun between short swims in the warm and relatively clean lake at Rainbow Park. At about 5:30 we got home, showered and decided we needed to go get some food as we had nothing but cold beers in the fridge and had been on a liquid diet for the duration of the day. On the way to the grocery store we passed a cop on the highway, I felt confident I was driving in the correct lane but instinctively did a speed check and to my relief was not speeding; I did however notice that I was almost out of gas and immediately made a course for the nearest fuelling station at the other end of town.


It was another typical hot summer night in the valley; the sun had set behind the mountains and the land was starting to cool. I pulled into the friendly Petrocan in Creakside and waited for the tourists trying to figure out if the price on the pumps was in American to just fill and go. A spot near the end opened and I rushed into it before anyone else could make a move and stepped out to fill the tank. I grabbed the handle shoved it into the port on the right side of my car and felt a tug on my left arm and heard a loud voice in my ear. I looked over and saw a little old lady of about 75, standing tall at 5'1", "Take me to the golf course! Take me and my friend, we just need to get there, they have the best steaks in town there you know?"

"Why don't you call a cab?" I asked as politely as possible trying to make sure I only put $20 in the tank.

"They don't have limos and I feel like such trash if I ride in a cab that isn't a limo and I'm rich!" she exclaimed.

I looked at my car smiled and started to laugh, I drive a 15 year old Toyota station wagon, no limo, no where near as nice as most cabs, could this woman be serious or just as fucked up as us. I looked down at her and said, "Well actually we're going to the grocery store to get some food, any other time I'd…" 

"I'll buy you a steak dinner!" she erupted, "I'm rich and I'll buy you whatever you want just take us to the golf course!"

"But I'm with my roommate.."

"I don't care, I'm rich; I'll buy him a steak dinner too!"

I opened the driver's door and reached into the back to move some of my garbage and unlock the rear doors. My roommate gave me a strange look and I responded by telling him it looked like plans had changed and we were off to Joel's Restaurant at Nicklaus North playing the role of this crazy old lady's grandsons. I went to pay for the gas.


My little limousine started with no trouble and we hit the busy Saturday evening traffic and headed north. The silence was deafening and against my will I decided not to turn the Hip Hop back on the stereo and instead made an effort at conversation. I looked in the rear view mirror and found my second random passenger to possibly be in her late fifties with dark hair, a black dress and looking quite distressed, not as distressed as my roommate, but almost. "Don't worry Ladies; we'll be there in a few minutes it's just up past the Village." I said in my best chauffeur impression. 

"I know where it is! I've been going to Joel's since it was in the Village!" the older of the 2 snapped. 

Both my roommate and the younger of the 2 shifted uncomfortably and groaned with obvious discomfort. "Are you 2 related?" I asked politely

"Well I'm just her dog groomer, she invited me up for the weekend I just had no idea that it would involve as much alcohol as it did this afternoon, I'm really quite embarrassed, I can't believe you're giving us a ride, it's so kind of you." The woman in black confessed.

"It's not like it's a free ride you know? The old lady said to her dog grooming friend, "Nothings free in this world anymore, at least we have some escorts now and maybe they have something more interesting to say this evening than the dribble that came out your mouth all afternoon!"

The silence was disturbed only by the quit whir from my engine, a peaceful sound compared to the evil shrill of the older woman's spiteful words. I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter and held my breath knowing we were almost there. The stare of my roommate's glare was burning a hole into the side of my head; I looked over and could see him silently pleading to abort abort abort! My sense of adventure has always been a little bolder than most and experienced intuition told me that this night held a lot more adventure than any in long time and besides it had just begun! I made a right off the highway, came to the parking lot and wheeled the car into a nice spot close to the entrance.

Acting like the gentleman I'd been brought up to be I raced around in front of our new friends and opened the door into the Joel's. We were greeted by the short, husky impeccably mannered Joel himself, his red cheeks glistened as he bellowed a heart felt, "Welcome to Joel's Restaurant!!"

As we moved closer his great smile disappeared, the color fell from his cheeks and was transformed into an expression of utter distaste and real fear. Without warning the old lady bolted ahead of our little foursome grabbed Joel's right hand and actually licked his arm from wrist to elbow. A horrified squeal came from the dog groomer as Joel grunted and fought desperately to free his hand from the grips of this demented old woman. My roommate and I looked at each other and started to laugh and realized at the same time we were dressed as if in man-whore uniforms in practically matching beige khakis and white t-shirts. "Oh come on Joel!" The old woman crooned, "You know that if this was 20 years ago we'd be making a quick trip to the back of the broom closet!" Without a word Joel shook his head, turned on his heal and lead us to a table.

We were seated in the middle of a packed dining room full of large tables of obviously upper class families enjoying the wonderful culinary delights Joel's offered. It was still early in the evening and the sun shone brightly on the mountain tops across the lake, what a night for a crazy adventure I thought smirking unknowingly. "What are you smiling about?" the shameless old woman sneered from across the table.

"I've never been here before and was just admiring the wonderful scenery outside and think how lucky we are to have run into a generous person such as you. I think tonight we were probably going to have Kraft Dinner with a can of tuna in it!" I jestered with my best Boy Scout smile.

"You are very lucky and I am very generous." The old woman conceitedly replied, returning my smile.

Our server appeared and in a very formal manner asked if we would like anything to drink. "Do you boys drink champagne?" The old woman asked this time with genuine interest.

"Of coarse," my roommate instantly replied, "I just spent the a year travelling Europe and fell in love with the clean refreshing taste in France."

"We'd like a bottle of Dom Pérignon, your best vintage please." The old woman kindly requested. Finally I figured maybe this night would take on a more normal placid tone, I think everybody felt the same and momentarily relaxed. We sat back and watched the sun on the mountain tops turn from orange to an intense pink alpen glow and breathed easily in the majestic beauty of Mother Earth.

Our server reappeared with no bottle and informed us they were very sorry, they had just sold there last bottle of Dom and asked if there was another selection that would suffice. "Well!!" fired the old lady, "You know a restaurant isn't dong well when they don't even have a simple bottle of Dom Pérignon for their best customer!!" The loud sharp sound of heavy cutlery hitting plates at all the table around us deafening, I couldn't look up, but the whole scene was so funny I did and sure enough every single person in eyeshot was staring at our table. "I absolutely cannot believe it!"

"I'm sorry Mamm; we do however have an excellent Moet & Chandon Brut Imperial Millesme vintage 1990, it is very highly recommended, would you like to try that?"

"I guess that will have to do." the old woman replied as she looked over to her dog groomer, "Let's go have a smoke." They got up and left my roommate and me at the table.

I looked around and was relieved to see the other patrons had picked up their cutlery and resumed eating, I looked up and found my roommate staring me straight in the face, "This is totally fucked Dude, what the fuck are you thinking, lets get up and leave these old bats to embarrass themselves, we shouldn't be here, this is fucked." He whispered on my right side. "Everybody's talking about us, we look like man whores. This is fucked!"

"Just chill dude, this is hilarious, the old bitch just ordered a $700 bottle of bubbly and is going to buy us $55 steaks! How many times in your life is this going to happen?" I reasoned with a huge smile on my face. "She brought her dog groomer? What the fuck is up with that? This woman is nuts and we're right in the middle of it, I love it! Don't worry, as soon as we eat we'll leave and go party it up!"

They women returned this time they were all smiles, guess nicotine can be an effective drug. Taking their seats the old woman entered into stories of her and her husband partying with the rich and famous all over the world and how beautiful she used to be and all the wonderful shoes and dresses she used to buy. We all took this as a queue to encourage her to keep her talking about herself as she seemed quite pleased while she was selfishly reflecting. Without incident our server came over and took our food order, all medium-rare steaks and was sent to fetch us another bottle of the incredible French nectar we were sipping from our crystal flutes. 20 minutes later our food arrived and incredibly the old woman was still talking about herself and continued to talk about herself while the 3 of us cut into undoubtedly one of the best steaks I've, still to this day, ever had in my life. 

"My husband was such an asshole!" the old woman exclaimed part way through the meal, "I didn't sleep with him for the last 20 years of his life, no, not after he tried to fuck me on the deck of our yacht right under the Lion's Gate Bridge. Right there in broad daylight in front of everybody." She explained with escalating volume and a look of seething exasperation on her face. "Can you believe it? I bet he fucked whores after that, he had to fuck whores after that." She proclaimed. We were silent, I looked around and everybody at the tables directly around us was silent. 

I was beginning to get a little nervous; this woman was totally beyond anything I ever could have imagined upon my first impression. The sheer evilness she seemed to express in every statement seemed to be intensifying as the night progressed and I was starting to think this woman realistically is not at all incapable of violence. I knew I had to choose my words wisely as she was holding a steak knife and had plenty of other objects she could throw in my direction if she deemed my attempt at diffusing her demeanour as a ploy or as weak. "Do you have any children?" I politely asked in a very nice tone.

"I wanted children desperately, and for many years. Part of the deal with marrying the man I chose was there were to be none. He explained this before he proposed to me and I guess at the time the mountains of money he had blinded me into accepting someone else's dreams, ambitions and life as my own. In turn I drank gin and spent most of my life being a bitter drunk and a real bitch; I hated him so much for it. At parties I would flirt with other men and sit on his friend's laps and stare him in the eye, what a joke." She looked down in a moment in shame. "But he deserved it!" She suddenly sneered.

We all looked at each other, we all temporarily felt a little bit sorry for this strange old woman. "Surely you must have had some nieces and nephews you could spoil and secretly treat as your own." I compassionately responded to her obviously deep admission.

"Oh I have 6 nieces and nephews." She started to brag, "they all have children of their own now and hate me because I make a point of spoiling their children far more than I spoiled them." She went on for the next 20 minutes telling us of all her nieces, nephews and their children. We were happy as she was behaving herself again and we were able to finish eating in peace. "Let's go for a smoke!" she told her dog groomer, again my roommate and I were left alone.

"Dude, you're right, this is totally crazy, I'm still not sure if it's worth the meal, I think that woman is going to snap and kill someone at any given moment but this is totally nuts! I can't believe we're actually here." My roommate beamed.

"I told you dude, and we're almost done we just got to figure an excuse to get outta here without making that crazy woman snap again… leave on a good note." I said trying to come up with a reasonable means of egress not knowing that Joel had already made plans for us. 

The woman returned and once again took their seats. "Funny," the old woman queried, "I can't believe our plates are still on the table, the service here is usually so good, even without Dom Pérignon."

"So you have a nice place here?" I interrupted, attempting to change the direction of her thoughts, "I bet it's really nice."

"Oh you wouldn't believe it, it was one of the first custom built homes in Whistler over 4500 square feet." She chirped, "When my husband was alive we even had it staffed for half the year!"

"Oh you guys should see it!" Piped the dog groomer in a truly enthused tone, "The views are absolutely stunning, it's so sunny and the vaulted ceilings are so high you feel as if you could fly a kite in the living room! And the art, there's at least 5 original Bateman's, it's nicer than any gallery I've ever been to. Isn't it?" She directed to the old lady.

"Well most of the art came from over priced charity auctions but most of it…." 30 minutes passed as she explained the origins of the different pieces her and her husband had collected over the years. Then unexpectedly she stood "I'm going to go powder my nose. They better have these plates cleared by the time I get back." She turned and disappeared through the tables beyond us.

"I can't believe I came here with her." The dog groomer said with tears shimmering in her eyes, "She's so mean and nasty, she can be so nice and civil but then she just turns on you and makes you feel so small and little. I groom her dogs and she has reminded me of this over a dozen times today, I just want to go home. She makes me feel so bad, why is it that all the bad people in this world have all the money? What makes her so good? Why does she think she can act the evil way she does?" She put her head down and my roommate and I looked at each other with blank looks on our faces. "Well I might as well clean up these plates and make myself useful." She said as she pushed her chair back and stood. In a very organized manner she cleared the shards of our meals onto one plate and strategically stacked the others beneath on the corner of the table. As she gathered our side plates we heard a scream of rage and anger previously experienced by none of us.

"You fucking bitch, what the fuck are you doing you fucking cunt!" The old woman screamed at the top of her lungs as she stepped towards the pile of neatly stacked plates. "This is a fine dining restaurant and I will not have one of my guests classless or not clearing the table!" With one hand she knocked the plates off the table and smashed them on the concrete floor, "You fucking classless bitch! I can't believe I brought such a classless bitch here! I don't know where the fuck you think you're staying tonight but it's not at my house that's for sure you fucking bitch!" she seethed, "I can't believe it! I just can't believe it! Where did you grow up? A logging camp? Don't you know where you are? This isn't some fishing camp in the woods, you're at Joel's, one of the finest restaurants in this country, you fucking bitch! I just can't believe it, I can't believe you! I need a smoke.." She turned and headed towards the bar.

"Where am I going to stay?" The dog groomer cried, "How am I going to get home?" She queried as she started to run towards the bar shedding tears. 

I looked around, this time every one in the restaurant was staring at us, I threw my arms up and stated, "I don't know, we just met them at the gas station." I started to laugh when our server interrupted.

"Don't worry guys she's been here many times before, we're tired of serving her and decided not to clear your table in an effort to send a message. Would you like to leave now? You can use the back door through the kitchen if you'd like, we can call you a cab."

Immediately we stood, "Thanks, we'll take you up on the back door but I think we'll be alright without the cab, we live just around the corner." I said as we walked with purpose towards the kitchen. 

When we got home we called a cab and headed out to the village for an adventure of radically different proportions, hopefully one involving some much younger women and a hot tub. As we made our way down the highway we passed the road that Joel's sits at the end of and observed an image that stains my conscience to this day. The poor dog groomer was standing in the dark by herself on the side of the highway face in her hands crying.